Friday, April 17, 2009

The time has come...

I found these pictures yesterday and now I just have to.

I have been going back and forth about writing this post. It's been over a month now since I first considered it and now it's time. I want to always be honest on here.

I am not happy about the way I look.
I'm not happy about the way I feel because of how I look.
I haven't been for over a year now.
That would put me around the time my daughter was two months old.
Last year was very hard for me. All my friends and family reading this,
I can see you all nodding your heads in agreement.
It's so true. I don't think I have had a harder year than last year.
I was so down on myself, depressed.
The moving out of my own home part was the hardest.
Leaving my mom behind was just as difficult.
I'm her only child, we're so close.
My children missed her too.
What I gained from all of it, however, was so worth it.
Except for the actual weight gain.
That part needs dealt with.
The humility, patience, and lessons learned are all welcome, though.

I had a hard time deciding to write this mostly because it makes me sound vain.
Even if me wanting to lose weight has more to do with the way I feel than the way I look.
I don't want to sound ungrateful.
Ungrateful of this healthy body that I do have.
This body that I have learned to love despite the extra pounds.
This body that carried my two babies and delivered them perfectly.
This body that has taken me anywhere I've needed to go.
I love it and what it has allowed me to do.
As a matter of fact, I want to lose weight to show my body respect.
I want to lose weight to be healthy so that my children know how to.
I'm vegan (minus cheese occasionally) so the fridge is full of yummy healthy food.
But it's hypocritical of me to make them eat right and go off and not eat well.

There is retraining that needs to occur.
I have become accustomed to eating things that are hard on my body.
Things that are better when eaten occasionally instead of regularly.

Before I got pregnant with Mela I looked like this:

Not perfect. But I felt great. I exercised daily.
I ate what I am meant to eat.
And I was really happy.
I want to feel that way again.

I post this picture mostly to remind myself that it is possible.
I had to do this after John was born.
I can do it again.
I'll keep you posted.


  1. Hey Bonnie, how much would you charge for pics of my family? You are so talented!! I would like to get some cool ones taken now that the kids are getting older and don't change quite as much. I'll get with you at church at we can talk about it.

  2. Hey Dusty! Thanks for the nice words, I'm more happy that you like my work, though. I left a comment on your blog. Contact me and we'll work something out.

  3. i think you look fabulouso!! seriously. I was the same way. Never happy with my appearance and then 15 years later, I am thinking to myself, AND I THOUGHT I WAS FAT??? what was I smokin'

  4. It's totally okay to feel that way, and you're not wrong. You can do it again. It took three kids before I actually found my grove and my happy size, there were 10 years where I wasn't happy with how I looked (miserable would be the more appropriate term). Don't rush it, good things take time. Let yourself work into that perfect "you" weight slowly.