The reality is...

Lately, I have been noticing every pregnant lady that crosses my path. Every baby that sits in a stroller looking so cute and adorable. Every little newborn outfit that I walk by at Target makes me almost cry, seriously! Probably because I think of my little baby who's so NOT a baby anymore. Mela's well over two years old now and I can't nurse her or cuddle with her for hours. I won't be in my rocking chair singing a little one to sleep at 3 am, any time soon, if ever again.

All that makes me very sad.

But when I think about the reality of having another baby and all the things I worry about...the hours that I will not sleep, the pain of labor, the postpartum depression I had with Mela (that completely rocked our world), how our car can't fit another car seat (I'm sure), one of my kids will have to share a room now, how will Mela deal with not being the baby anymore, what if something goes wrong with this pregnancy, what if I can't mother more than two kids happily (I was an only child, having two kids around all the time for me is a huge deal as it is) and many, many more worries I have...

Thinking all that also makes me very sad.

So, I suppose for now, I will just stare at other babies and wonder. Look at newborn outfits and just wish I had a reason to buy them. See pregnant women and just smile. After all, I did get to have two babies already...

And that makes me really happy.